I had a daily routine in 3rd grade. At the end of the day, I'd head to the back of the bus, put my headphone on, and sulk over the fact that, once again, I got kicked out of class that day. It wasn't that I didn't want to behave, it was that I couldn't, and no one took the time to teach me.
I don't know what you're expecting of me, put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
One specific song I burned on all the CDs I'd play on my pink Sony Walkman was Linkin Park's "Numb". Knowing that I wasn't the only person uncomfortable simply living life gave me comfort. I wasn't the only one consistently fucking up, unable to gain any sort of control.
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
I remember the kids a year older than me asking me to sing. Although these boys were my arch nemeses, and known bullies, I chose to sing one of my favorite tunes that consistently blasted through my headphones off my pink Walkman CD player.
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
Less than two weeks later, I got in a fight with these boys, and my bus privileges were revoked.
I've become so tired, so much more aware.
A few weeks later, I was expelled from elementary school.
But I wasn't alone. Linkin Park was struggling. Other people were struggling.
Luckily, I started to see the bright side. I got help. I began to learn from my mistakes and started moving forward. Sadly, one of the people who helped me through some of my darkest times throughout my life never saw the light. Chester Bennington, the lead singer of Linkin Park, took his life this week.
Anyone who relates to his music knows how good it feels to connect with someone. I fear that his inspiration will open up the door to suicide now. Which is why I wrote this. I'm currently finishing up a life changing trip to Israel. I see with more clarity than ever before. But I saw the darkness I felt it. It hurt. It consistently burned just to breathe. But now, every inhale is a gift.
Please, if you're hurting, seek help. Talk to your friends, your family, me, seek professional help. Life gets better, I would know, I'm living in the change.
It's possible to feel happy again.
Rest In Peace to Chester Bennington, a man who helped me, an amazing musician, and human being.